Chuck Norris Fact of the Week

Chuck refuses to even look at a Periodic Table, because he only recognises the element of SURPRISE!!!

The winners and losers of Balkanisation

In light of Sri Lanka’s recent attempts to crush the Tamil Tiger movement, I’ve been reflecting the process of Balkanisation. There are plenty of countries undergoing, or recently completing the process: East Timor, West Papua, Aceh, Kosovo, South Ossetia…..hell even Quebec has started talking about it! Not to mention the breakaway regions of my homeland – Antarctica.

Despite the popularity of breaking away, it seems to go against everything the world has learnt over the last 50 years about economics, education, productivity and technological development. So why? There’s the obvious answer – the terrible brutality of the overlords of the bad bad ‘mother’ country. But what do you expect when you behave like a rabid dog?

To get a better handle, let’s look at who wins, and who loses.

The ‘Old’ Government
In almost all situations, they are a big loser. In a monetary sense, a seceding state is not such a big deal – provided there are no natural resources involved.

The reason most governments fight so hard against breakaway states is the crucial and indeed foundation element of governance: stability. It sets a precedent, visible and in the minds of all citizens, that their government will allow itself to be pushed around by what may, or may not be violent radicals (in the literal, rather than pejorative sense).

East Timor is a great example of this. West Papua (formerly Irian Jaya), and Aceh are looking to follow the example of their close neighbour, one of the worlds newest countries.

It can also undermine social cohesion in other ways. Secession is a war that is won as much with hearts and minds, as with tanks and bombs. Inevitably, stories of brutality by the old guard will surface (true, justifiable or otherwise). Regardless of the truth, mitigating circumstances, or unreported facts, these stories cut to the heart of any middle class. They can become self-perpetuating: reported brutality, leading to violence, leading to actual brutality to end, or in retaliation for the ongoing violence.

Governments have almost nothing to gain – unless they use the opportunity to slip a few draconian police state laws through, although most governments wouldn’t waste their political capital now that media fuelled ‘terrorism’ provides an unchallenged route for most cringeworthy laws.

The People
Not everyone in a breakaway state is a part of the movement. They may be supporters, they may be indifferent, the may be opponents, yet they often have much more to lose than it seems.

As soon as a state begin a secession attempt, the people can become easy targets for government brutality. If the state is breaking away due to a real lack of government attention, or too much bad attention, a coup is a shore way of moving down the ladder. Armed and media presence may rise, but investment – both business and government, infrastructure, safety nets and other forms of government expenditure may soon be scrutinised, or even put to a complete halt. Which is quite fitting, because they will have to get used to getting things done alone. Even if the government does not go to great lengths to inflict pain, when a secession begins, the real fight has just begun.

By the time a country secedes, businesses are fleeing, law and order is at its perigee, infrastructure will be destroyed, unfit for purpose or just not there, meaning that any resources will not be paying dividends any time soon. There is no mechanism for preventing or uncovering corruption. Just after breaking away, the government will be effectively broke. There is no government money to open schools, hospitals. Where money is provided by international backers, it will be in the form of loans to be paid by the people at a later date.

The people are in for years of misery to come. Maybe the initial conditions were bad, but things will not improve for a long time without very large amounts of money.

The Separatist Leaders\Miltia
Provided they survive long enough to see their new country born, they have little to lose. They will forever be a target of assassination, and political persecution, but what is on offer?

A place in history. Rising from the unterklasse, to the uberklasse. Wealth and riches (if only metered access to it). Mingling with other government leaders. And dont forget POWER.

The movement leaders stand to gain alot, provided they can dodge the bullets, and pull off the coup successfully. But someone stands to gain more.

The Regional Powers
Ever wondered why powers support some breakaway states, and oppose others?

The answer is simple, it is about consolidating power. The smaller, and more fractious their neighbours, the more leverage they have. The larger neighbours of the regional power will have less credibility and morale. They begin to look like a beacon of human decency and stability in comparison. All for the price of a few thousand arms and political support.

Think about it: Russia supports South Ossettia, but not North Ossettia. One represents the weakening of a US ally, the other is a weakening of themselves.

Secession also provides the side benefit of a safe area to fight proxy wars with other regional powers, serving the dick-measuring needs of both militaries. Georgia – must I say any more.

Wrap-up
When i think about this, being a penguin, i think back to cold, windy winters in Antarctica when the colony huddles together. You may not like the guy huddled next to you, but if you go it alone to get away from him you will soon be a popsicle for a passing seal. If you hate him that much, the best solution is to remove the cause of the problem with a quick roundhouse kick to the head.

 

Maybe breakaway states could take a lesson in that.

Australia votes for ‘Biggest Loser’

Apparently, this guy is the biggest loser in Australia.

 

*Thanks to News Ltd

 

 

No arguments here – look, it even says so on his muscle shirt.

Chuck Norris Fact of the Week

As an ode to my mentor, and human equivalent, i will present one fact about the Chuck each week:

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When does intellectual property cease to be a right?

Let’s start with two clear cut situations.

Jail time:
You walk into your local Blockbuster, pick up a copies of Australia, Epic Movie and The House Bunny. You walk out without paying. The girl at the desk stops you. If, like me, you are a fearsome yet handsome karate penguin, she will giggle and beg for you to steal her as well as the terrible movies. Unfortunately for most people, this will end in yelling and a visit from the fuzz before you can share with your friends. But then again, if you llike these movies, you may be short on friends….

Law Abiding Citizen:
Walking towards the train station on your way to work, you find three dvd’s neatly stacked in the gutter. Inspecting them, you are shocked to discover they are Nicole Kidman’s three worst movies (incidentally, all of Nicole Kidman’s movies are her worst). Deciding that you are a laq abiding citizen, you report the booty. If you live in Victoria, you will be turned away as your enquiry is not about youth gone wild, drugs, alcohol, or organised crime.

So where does downloading fit in? You see the movie for free. But you do not invade a private area, and remove without permission. You obtain it from the PUBLIC DOMAIN. Once something is in the public domain, that is when it is shown in screenings, hirable on dvd or available as a paid download from Netflix.

Once the genie is out of the box, the box has no rights to the genie.

If media companies want to sue people for using and sharing public products and information, why can’t other companies get in on the act? Imagine Toyota suing eBay for providing a passage for unauthorised sale of used cars. Cadbury suing anyone wearing purple. Or pouring your mate a Foster Lager. Actually that last one sounds about right – friends don’t let friends drink bad beer.

What about the poor recording artists i hear you say? Think of it as punishment for the constant stream movies like Australia or talentless hacks like Britney.

If you want us to pay you, it’s about time you proved you are worth it.

Ten proves it knows the reality TV formula best

While I was recently incarcerated in Ten studios, i stumbled across the recipe for Ten’s new reality show: Masterchef.

Ingredients:
3-4 Judges – preferably past their use-by date.
1 Subject matter that a large number of people believe they can do (even if only secretly).
10-20 Contestants. Don’t go overboard getting the talented, articulate or upmarket varieties. This dish works best with overstating, emotional contestants. Pick from the bottom of the barrel first.

Method:
1. Begin with an epic, dramatic marketing campaign. Don’t be afraid to overdo it. Most people eating this dish will have completely forgotten about it by consumption.

2. Separate your judges. Overcook one with denigrating criticism, make sure one is extremely tender and considerate. This judge should not have a bad word to say about ANYONE, no matter how terrible. The other two are not so important. If you have time, give them gimmicks like catch phrases, hats that are not worn properly, or make their sexuality ambiguous.

3. Mix contestants with judges. Initially, use the fun, upbeat characters first. For added jest, add a few clowns at this stage.

4. Move judges and remaining contestants to a new location – location is largely irrelevant. Ensure it fits into the following phrase: ‘You are going to…..’.

5. By now, all remaining contestants should be emotionally invested and overtly retrospective. This dish will have become the sole reason for living for a few lucky contestants.

6. Time to get the juices flowing. Ask probing and inappropriate questions to byring out their ‘private life’. The more tragic the better. Don’t let them out until they have dedicated their performance to their deceased goldfish/4th cousin they saw once as a child or that free coke they missed out on yesterday. If you are so lucky, dig up true abd unrelated tragedy and parade it for your audience – deceased family, suicide and drug overdoses will make your dish irresistable.

7. Bake for 3 months. Use the judges to poke and prod contestants, have them take credit for the illusory personal and skill development. Move locations occasionally when the dish is looking flat.

8. Finish the dish at a well known or impressive looking locale. Your guests should tell you who they like. Promise the ‘winning’ contestant riches/fame/elixir for their vanity. Ensure any winning contestants are not charismatic, talented or creative – the taste needs to be out of the audiences mouth before their next ‘reality’ meal.

9. Serve nightly and twice 2-3 days per week for 3 months.