Congratulations ‘Masterchef’ Julie

You don’t always to choose what you watch on TV. For various reasons, this penguin co-habits with mere humans. This exacerbates the problem.

I was watching Masterchef. Yes Masterchef. Fantasing about roundhouse kicking Matt Preston, right in his pompous cravatt.

As anyone who is not living in a cave* would know that Julie won last night. I thought I’d offer a few items of knowledge, in retrospect of course.

- I hope you have your cookbook ready to go. If Big Brother, Idol, Dance and Ready Steady Cook have taught us anything, it is that TV is not a reflection of fame, it is fame requires TV to feed it. In three months, it will be ‘Julie who?’.

- You received many scores of 9/10. Much praise of ‘this is as good as anywhere in Australia’. To me this says either that cooking is much easier that chefs make out, or it is impossible to tell the difference between good food and great food. Unless of course they are lying for the camera, and the whole Masterchef exercise was just for collecting advertising revenue….

- Despite being crowned ‘Masterchef’, you are not a chef. You may call yourself ‘Masteramateurcook’ or ‘Mastefirstyearapprecticechef’. Not as appealing, but not as much of a lie.

And don’t forget the kicker.

All reality stars, including those ones from ‘My Restaurant Rules’, fade into obscurity, back to their original lives.

*-Most places outside Australia qualify as a cave.

Fiona O’Loughlin: Fall-Down Comedian

Brisbane: Prominent stand-up comedian Fiona O’Loughlin has recently added fall-down to her resumè by collapsing during a performance at Brisbane’s Cremorne Theatre after a self-confessed ‘boozy lunch’ mixed with anti-depressants.

One audience member told news.com.au the incident was ‘pretty disgusting’.

Really? Are you trying to tell me that a comedian has a problem with substance abuse? Next you’ll be telling me that she isn’t actually funny either.

Seriously, if you saw her latest slurring, confused performance on GNW, and didn’t believe she was an alcoholic, you must be very naive.

Dancing with the stars should be fun: it requires talking and coordination. Luckily for her it doesn’t require talent, presence, or a career.

Australia votes for ‘Biggest Loser’

Apparently, this guy is the biggest loser in Australia.

 

*Thanks to News Ltd

 

 

No arguments here – look, it even says so on his muscle shirt.

Ten proves it knows the reality TV formula best

While I was recently incarcerated in Ten studios, i stumbled across the recipe for Ten’s new reality show: Masterchef.

Ingredients:
3-4 Judges – preferably past their use-by date.
1 Subject matter that a large number of people believe they can do (even if only secretly).
10-20 Contestants. Don’t go overboard getting the talented, articulate or upmarket varieties. This dish works best with overstating, emotional contestants. Pick from the bottom of the barrel first.

Method:
1. Begin with an epic, dramatic marketing campaign. Don’t be afraid to overdo it. Most people eating this dish will have completely forgotten about it by consumption.

2. Separate your judges. Overcook one with denigrating criticism, make sure one is extremely tender and considerate. This judge should not have a bad word to say about ANYONE, no matter how terrible. The other two are not so important. If you have time, give them gimmicks like catch phrases, hats that are not worn properly, or make their sexuality ambiguous.

3. Mix contestants with judges. Initially, use the fun, upbeat characters first. For added jest, add a few clowns at this stage.

4. Move judges and remaining contestants to a new location – location is largely irrelevant. Ensure it fits into the following phrase: ‘You are going to…..’.

5. By now, all remaining contestants should be emotionally invested and overtly retrospective. This dish will have become the sole reason for living for a few lucky contestants.

6. Time to get the juices flowing. Ask probing and inappropriate questions to byring out their ‘private life’. The more tragic the better. Don’t let them out until they have dedicated their performance to their deceased goldfish/4th cousin they saw once as a child or that free coke they missed out on yesterday. If you are so lucky, dig up true abd unrelated tragedy and parade it for your audience – deceased family, suicide and drug overdoses will make your dish irresistable.

7. Bake for 3 months. Use the judges to poke and prod contestants, have them take credit for the illusory personal and skill development. Move locations occasionally when the dish is looking flat.

8. Finish the dish at a well known or impressive looking locale. Your guests should tell you who they like. Promise the ‘winning’ contestant riches/fame/elixir for their vanity. Ensure any winning contestants are not charismatic, talented or creative – the taste needs to be out of the audiences mouth before their next ‘reality’ meal.

9. Serve nightly and twice 2-3 days per week for 3 months.