In Other News: Dog mauls endangered penguins

Sydney: Eight endangered fairy penguins have been cruelly attacked by a dog on Sydey’s Northern Beaches. Four have died from the attack.

Local volunteers are said to be shocked by brutal attack.

‘I can’t believe that a dog could do this. These beautiful penguins are completely defenseless, and the dog showed no mercy. How could it be so heartless? It is such a devastating loss.’ wept Laurie Hart.

Greenpeace spokesperson Ari Gant is appalled ‘that an animal could possibly eat another animal. It is just unnatural. I mean, what to dogs think they are, animals?’

PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, are pushing for changes to the law. They say that dogs should be tried as adults, and also be eligible for the death penalty (sic).

The actual reporting of this incident highlights two major bombshells about nature that are sure to shock any greenie:
1. Even endangered animals die sometime after they are born, like all living things,
2. That animals eat other animals (ever heard of the food chain?).

In other news, scientists have discovered that it is darker at night than during the day.

How Michael Jackson changed my life – or didn’t

Michael ‘Cuckoo’ Jackson has passed, and left this world. Presumably one that matches the fantasy world he lived in.

It’s great so many people were touched by his music, his life, and in some cases by his hands or other extremities.

But seriously – holding a vigil for a dead guy completely misses the point of a vigil. And if I see one more person break down in tears babbling that ‘he was my friend’ or ‘he changed my life’ I’m going to penguin roundhouse them in the head.

You didn’t know him. You aren’t related to him. You never met him. He never felt you up at Neverland with his monkey. At best, you saw him at a great distance in a packed out concert. Save the emotional breakdown for the genuine friends and family. Aside from recorded music and interviews, he was never in your life at all. So really, nothing changed on Thursday. You will still hear his bullsh*t songs, and see his creepy videos, and hear his puncy voice.

Get a life. If you must publicly mourn something, why not mourn intelligence and common sense, something that seems to have died long ago.