Subprime Aussie style – Part 1 – First Home Buyers Grant

What a time to be young. A first-home buyer in Victoria can pocket up to $40 000, just for buying a house. How could this be so?

The intent of the grant is to keep the great pyramid of owner-occupied housing afloat. You see, in Australia it is taken as verbatim fact that house prices always rise, and will always rise for eternity. This has been coupled with generous tax breaks for owner occupied housing, leading many pseudo-savvy ‘investors’ to tout that owning ones home is the best, and safest investment one can make. There are countless stories of people making hundreds of thousands of dollars playing with owner-occupied property, luring in the weak-minded with the kicker that the government collects no tax on your winnings.

There is just one problem. Housing is a zero-sum game. For elderly retirees to sell their houses at obscene prices, and spend their golden days blowing every penny, the market requires a supply of new money to pay these people off. While some of it comes from people upsizing their mortgages, most comes from new entrants to the market.

These new entrants are usually 20-somethings, with entry-level jobs and maybe alien parasite growing in the female.

For nearly a decade, the ponzi scheme went off without a hitch. In fact, few newcomers complained about housing prices at all. But as the grey cashed in their houses at ever increasing prices, entry level housing moved further, and further out of reach.

The market started to flatten. John ‘Devil’s altar boy’ Howard sense political revolt, and created perhaps one of the most politically devious schemes ever, the First Home Buyers Grant.

Everybody wins. First home buyers get the money. They give it to existing home owners. The merry-go-round keeps spinning.

What could possibly go wrong?

G8 forge historic climate deal

Italy: G8 leaders have taken a bold, and provocative step in the fight against climate change.

Prime Minister Berlusconi delivered the news to the press gallery: ‘We have an in-principle consensus to reach an agreement to develop a draft memorandum of understanding to put forward a motion regarding our non-binding recommendation of an 80% reduction in greenhouse gases by 2050 to the Copenhagen summit.’

Prime Minister Rudd was elated ‘I think this is a big step forward for us. And, I’ll be dead by crunch time, so it doesn’t really bother me.’

The opposition were critical of the deal. ‘This deal doesn’t go not too far enough. Why can’t Rudd get a 120% reduction. This shows the incompetence of this government.’ preached Turnbull.

‘And 2050 is too soon’ he continued ‘business cannot absorb the shock of such a sudden introduction. We propose 3050 as appropriate timing.’

When asked if that was too late, Turnbull was proud that he ‘is not afraid to make the big decisions.’

Sex and the HMAS Success

Singapore: The RAN is in damage control regarding a <a href=”http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/07/05/2617202.htm?section=australia”>sex contest run by sailors</a> aboard HMAS Success. Sailors kept a ledger of sexual conquests and dollar values were assigned to locations and partners. More money was offered for fornicating with female officers and lesbians.

All and sundry are shocked and outraged by this occurance. Even Julia Gillard has piped up about the poor plight of women, and how this further disadvantages their fight for equality.

What a load of BS.

If you don’t want to be debased and humiliated by your colleauges and co-habitants, don’t have random casual sex with them. In fact, you shouldn’t be f..king them at all. Ever heard the saying don’t sh*t where you eat? These are the rules normal people live by – how stupid are you?

The other argument is that poor defenseless females are being preyed upon and manipulated by powerful males. Despite what the bra-burning parade will tell you, women enjoy equal if not superior rights than men in almost all large corporations. Banks, governments,technology and even manufacturing firms have formal and public policies of affirmative action – also known as discrimination – to further the cause of women. And defense is no different. If they felt harrassed, there are plenty of avenues that could’ve ruined the career of an immature male who oversteps the line.

It’s very immature that a bunch of men would have a contest like this. They should be embarrassed and ashamed – I’m sure at least some of them have wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers and kids. But this sort of immaturity is endemic in underdeveloped adults, be it in defense, sport, or in the real world. It does not qualify as harrassment. In the same way that consensual sex is not rape.

The whole incident is hardly surprising. Put a bunch of underdeveloped young men and women in a confined place with little outside contact for months on end, and what do you think will happed? Of course they will bonk each other stupid. Of course they will make silly bets. Hardly a stretch to combine the two – seen Cruel Intentions?

The media was always going to eat this up – it has sex, young people, defense personell and ‘poor defenseless victims’, but the real story is why is this a story at all? Are women that defend Australia trying to say they are too gullible and naive to take control of their own lives and responsibility for their actions? Is this the sort of character that makes a good sailor – or much more scary – officer?

If you really want to further the cause of women, instead of crying that you are too stupid to protect yourself from disgusting pranks why don’t you close your legs, and do your job of defending the country.

Keeping Melbourne moving – because Victorians are slow

I cannot believe that Melburnians can possibly be so devoid of intelligence that they need to be told not to park in clearways, and not to block intersections.

For anyone who hasn’t driven in Melbourne, these frequent acts of stupidity are just the tip of the iceberg. Here are some other informative road rule advertising aimed at Melbourne road users that didn’t make it to primetime tv…

One way streets: Different to two-way streets.

You don’t need to veer right to turn left.

How to avoid accidents with indicators.

Cutting off is not giving way.

If you want to drive at half the speed limit, get out of the right hand lane.

Two wrongs don’t make a right: you can’t double park people parked in clearways.

Roundabouts: the clockwise road.

Overtaking means going faster than the person you are overtaking, not staying next to them.

Turning left from the right hand lane across an 8-lane dual carriageway – a excuse to buy a new car.

Hey cyclists: If we give you a bike lane, we expect you to use it.

Scooters: You are not a motorbike. If you want to ride like a motorbike, get some testicles and a mode transport that doesn’t require oestrogen injections.

Senator Hanson-Young: Leave the kids at home.

Senator Hanson-Young’s toddler was forcibly removed from parliament yesterday.

Apparently she was humiliated by the incident.

So she should be.

Leave the kids at home. I could’t imagine toddlers running amok during a BHP Billiton board meeting.

Why are there ‘calls’ to review parliament rules? What next, sleepovers in the PM’s office?

Any other professional is expected to separate their personal and professional lives, why do parents believe this doesn’t apply to them?

The business of running a country is not a sewing circle – give it the professionalism and decorum it deserves.

Peter ‘Smirkmaster’ Costello quits politics

It appears he took Mr T’s advice, and got some nuts.

We will be blessed with our last smirk before the 2010 federal election.

He never became PM. People never took him seriously. But the man did some things that some big hitters in Aussie politics never did:

- Left politics of his own free will (Howard).
- Number one in media mentions (Turnbull, Nelson).
- Tattled to Dad about Johnny’s lies. (Joyce)
- Crushed the Liberal Party into a pathetic pulp (Beazley).
- Nerdiest man in politics (Rudd).
- Counted to 10 (Swan).

Congrats to Pete.

Commiserations to the private sector.

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd anoints Julia Gillard as next PM

Canberra: Today, PM Rudd has blessed Julia Gillard as his successor as PM.

‘I think it is fair to say, Julia is the heir apparent. And unlike Costello when he was heir apparent, her hair is actually apparent. She is the perfect person to keep this governments agenda of confusing the masses into submission ob track,’ Rudd was quoted at a press conference.

When asked about factional pressure on the subject, Rudd was unapolagetic. ‘When the factions come to me about this, I’ll be telling them there is no room is Australian politics for political argy bargy.’

Julia accepted the nomination with grace, ‘I’m flattered that Kevvy thinks that of me. Please excuse me, I have some knife sharpening to do.’

Opposition Leader Turnbull could hardly believe his luck, ‘This is just another example of tthis governments incompetence. First an emissions trading scheme, and now endorsing a wranger for PM. Do I need to say any more?’

Anyway Julia, by the time you are holding the torch there will be too much petrol around to take it. Don’t believe me, ask ol’ mate Peter Costello….

NEWSLINE: Obama appoints new Supreme Court Justice

This morning, President Obama has appointed Lawrence Fudglestien to the Supreme Court bench replacing Hon. Ottatuch, who has elected to retire from the bench.

‘Lawrence is a man of fine character, a pillar of the DC community.’ President Obama was quoted, ‘His appointment to the Bench took into consideration such attributes as his integrity, fair thinking, fair dealings and his overwhelming support for a practical method of analysis of the lay, day to day applications of serious issues brought to the Supreme Court.’

Fudglestien was unavailable for comment this morning, but sources close to the new Supreme Court Justice say that he was taken by surprise by the nomination.

While largely unknown outside of Washington DC, Fudglestien has close ties with both sides of politics Some have voiced opposition, including Senator Ewan Evrymuffa (R. Nevada), ‘Sure he’s a nice guy, has some interesting things to say, but he runs a hot-dog stand just outside of Capitol Hill. Is he really qualified?’

Not all disagree with the appointnent. Igor Rant, lining up for a hot-dog at Lawrence’s old stand couldn’t be more supportive, ‘Obama wants practical, day to day type judgements. What better way to be practical than having never been inside a courtroom before?’ Not to be left out, Joseph King jokingly interjected ‘except for that indecent exposure charge – putting his old fella in a hot dog bun, hilarious. But seriously, we’re all glad he’s not here anymore, he makes a really cr.p hot-dog anyway.’

Will President Obama’s risk in a hot-dog vendor cum Supreme Court Justice pay off? Can practical, day-to-day judgements have an effect on America?

Only time, and mustard will tell.

Earth to California

As an Antarctican living in Australia, I’m not going to pretend to know anything about American politics, or even its moribund economy. But I don’t believe you need to understand either of these topics to see the ‘The Governator’ is in a T1000 sized pickle with the California state finances.

The crux of the issue is this:
- The government has consistently spent more than in collects in revenue;
- Voters demand a high level of public services.
- The same voters are unwilling to make up this shortfall by either an increase in taxation or a decrease in services.

Given that the debt collectors will soon be knocking on the Governor’s Mansion, why are the Californian people unwilling to help solve it?

It’s simple. From the point of view of the voters, they are getting a decrease in services, and paying more for it.

It is human nature to be incremental by nature. By incremental, I mean we are focused on changes, rather than the current state of things. We don’t think about how much we have in the bank, just what we are getting paid each month. The overall price of a TV is less important than how much you saved because it was on sale. How much bigger is your house than your neighbour’s?

Wake up California: You need more taxation and less services because you have lived beyond your means for too long.

PS: When I say we, I mean you. Penguins don t suffer from this myopia.

Treasurer Swan announces ‘Greenwash’ Stimulus Package

Global Financial Crisis. Global Warming. Both seem to have have come to a precipice at the same time. Both have the word ‘Global’ in them. Both are related to western society living without regard for sustainability. Luckily for the land o’ Oz, Wayne Swan has cottoned onto this too. The Treasurer spoke to the press club today.

‘The green stimulus package I have announced today is a win for the environment, a win for the economy and a win for Australia. Our new spending package will create new green jobs, and feeds into our new Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme’.

The green stimulus package involves grants of millions of dollars to set up wind farms, solar farms, and grants to automotive manufacturers to design and manufacture hybrid vehicles in Australia.

‘This is a significant step towards reducing the effects of Climate Change’ Greens leader Senator Bob Brown was quoted as saying this morning on ABC radio, ‘Technologies like solar, and wind power have always struggled to be economic enough to compete in the marketplace, a problem that has also dogged hybrid cars. Now with these subsidies from the taxpayer, the public will be blissfully unaware of how much renewable energy really costs. This government should be applauded today for making the tough decision to ignore the reality of climate change, and to instead place pressure on our designated scapegoats: Petrol driven cars and conventional energy companies’

When asked if the zero-emission and economically viable energy souce of nuclear would also be able to access the grants, he turned red and said: ‘Do you want to live next to Chernobyl? I certainly don’t.’ When informed that Chernobyl is town in Ukraine, we received no reply.

By channelling large amounts of money into projects that seem appealing to the masses, the government hopes that thousands of new unsustainable and unproductive jobs will stimulate the economy and boost GDP, and therefore tax revenues.

Penny Wong was also spruiking the plan on talkback radio: ‘Climate change is caused by big, bad corporations. Oil companies, coal companies and car companies are all conspiring to acheive one thing- the destruction of the planet. In no way are the public responsible for global warming by either demanding a better quality of life, or breeding like rabbits until the planet’s resources and atmosphere cannot keep up. The more pressure we place on these scapegoats, sorry, I mean evil corporations, the better. It’s not like they make their money proving you, the public with goods and services that you want.’

Union leaders also appear to back the proposal. Sharon Burrow, president of the ACTU said this morning that she ‘is very excited at the government’s support for Australian jobs. Unions stand up for the jobs of hardworking Australians, no matter how unsustainable or unproductibe those jobs really are.’

Call it a masterstroke, call it ‘making tough decisions’, but one thing is for sure: By channeling money down the path of least productivity, things can only get better, right? Seems to work for Zimbabwe….