In Other News: Jemaah Islamiyah strikes again

Jakarta: Western media has been rife with reports that JI has sent suicide bombers to detonate explosives in two western hotels in Indonesia on Friday. Bombs were detonated at the Ritz-Carlton, and the Mariott hotel in Jakarta, killing nine people, many of whom  were foreign nationals on business.

In other news, approximately 8,499, 991 people survived bomb blasts in Jakarta. It is said that up to 4,600 of these people were tourists or business visitors. Tourists who survived the night were shocked. ‘I can’t believe I survived. Do you know that only 99.99989% of people in Jakarta survive bombings like this? And tourists are at even greater risk. Did you know that 0.999994% of tourists are not killed each year in terrorist bombings in Jakarta? It is an outrage, and something must be done immediately to guarantee visitor safety’ said concerned traveller Whatta Nidiot.

John Howard was said to offer to come out of retirement to impose draconian laws on Australian citizens in order to prevent terrorist actions like this. Kevin Rudd has been quoted as telling Mr Howard to ‘get out of the limelight old man, this bombing is mine to milk for poltical capital. In desperate times like these, a congenial and diligent system of governance and legal cavalry is crucial to ensure the the outright prevention of, and indeed expulsion of the outlying prospect that a foreign national may come to some sort of bodily harm at any time during execution of their business itinery.’

The press gallery fell asleep during this speech, and were awoken only by Rudd’s billowing laughter that he himself had imposed draconian laws limits Australian citizens human rights and privacy while they were asleep listening to his incomprehensible babble.

When is everyone going to get it – you have to be exceptionally unlucky to be killed by a terrorist. More people win millions in lotteries than die in a terrorist bombing.

The terrorists win by striking irrational fear into the hearts of the masses. Crazy laws are passed, some people are given limitless power which they are very likely to abuse, and the rest have none. The terrorists are winning. And our media is complicit.

In Other News: Dog mauls endangered penguins

Sydney: Eight endangered fairy penguins have been cruelly attacked by a dog on Sydey’s Northern Beaches. Four have died from the attack.

Local volunteers are said to be shocked by brutal attack.

‘I can’t believe that a dog could do this. These beautiful penguins are completely defenseless, and the dog showed no mercy. How could it be so heartless? It is such a devastating loss.’ wept Laurie Hart.

Greenpeace spokesperson Ari Gant is appalled ‘that an animal could possibly eat another animal. It is just unnatural. I mean, what to dogs think they are, animals?’

PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, are pushing for changes to the law. They say that dogs should be tried as adults, and also be eligible for the death penalty (sic).

The actual reporting of this incident highlights two major bombshells about nature that are sure to shock any greenie:
1. Even endangered animals die sometime after they are born, like all living things,
2. That animals eat other animals (ever heard of the food chain?).

In other news, scientists have discovered that it is darker at night than during the day.