Keeping Melbourne moving – because Victorians are slow

I cannot believe that Melburnians can possibly be so devoid of intelligence that they need to be told not to park in clearways, and not to block intersections.

For anyone who hasn’t driven in Melbourne, these frequent acts of stupidity are just the tip of the iceberg. Here are some other informative road rule advertising aimed at Melbourne road users that didn’t make it to primetime tv…

One way streets: Different to two-way streets.

You don’t need to veer right to turn left.

How to avoid accidents with indicators.

Cutting off is not giving way.

If you want to drive at half the speed limit, get out of the right hand lane.

Two wrongs don’t make a right: you can’t double park people parked in clearways.

Roundabouts: the clockwise road.

Overtaking means going faster than the person you are overtaking, not staying next to them.

Turning left from the right hand lane across an 8-lane dual carriageway – a excuse to buy a new car.

Hey cyclists: If we give you a bike lane, we expect you to use it.

Scooters: You are not a motorbike. If you want to ride like a motorbike, get some testicles and a mode transport that doesn’t require oestrogen injections.

Just admit it, we love organised crime

Des Moran, dead. Another killing in Melbourne (a place I have chosen to habit as it is the closest part of Australia to Antarctica where incest is not practised). Opinion pages and letters to the editor are full of a curious mix of gushing memorials for Tuppence Moran, and indignation that the scourge of organised crime could possibly exist in a state capital.

Tempting as it is, I won’t be lampooning revisionist obituaries for poor old Tuppence.

What is absolutely fascinating is how much the masses love a good gangland war. Sure, we all pretend that the loss of bad guy 5’s life is a terrible tragedy. However there is a resurgent interest in not only the life of Des Moran, but all sorts of ’secret’ criminal figures.

Underbelly. Do I need to say any more?

The fact is that organised crime has everything that makes a great story: Money. Power. Sex. Danger. Secrets.

And the best part? It’s right here, in our corner of the world.

Quit denying it Melbourne, we love our pathetic gangland wars.